Wednesday, January 4, 2012

AND THE WINNER(S) IS/ARE

So Iowans have spoken.

Not very clearly, but they have spoken.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum have virtually tied in the Iowa caucus.

One report I read said there were only 8 points more for Romney than for Santorum.

Several years ago, before the last election, I wrote a post in which I predicted the winner of the presidency by carefully examining the names of the candidates.

It was absolutely clear that we could not have a president named "Mitt," because that sounded too much like a piece of baseball paraphernalia.

I also said we couldn't have a president named "Newt," because that sounded too much like a lizard. And "Gingrich" sounds like somebody who stole Christmas.

But I was most assuredly certain that we could not have a president with a name like "Barack" or "Obama," because...well, you know what that sounds like.

I thought we needed a president with a good old fashioned American name, like "John" or "Howard."

The blogosphere was amazed at how wrong I was.

We ended up (possibly literally) with the guy with the most un-American name.

And just as I feared, he became exactly what his name sounds like.  And like his fellow world citizens with similar names, he set out to destroy what America has always aspired to: individual liberty, responsibility and innovation.

Only he strove (past tense of strive?) to do it from within.

Now I still think the name "Mitt" is not appropriate for America, except that baseball (the world's second most boring professional game...preceded only by golf) is considered the American past time, so maybe it fits after all.

As for Santorum...I had a cousin who was schizophrenic and had to be committed to a santorum.

Wait...that was a sanatorium. Or maybe it was a sanitation department...I forget which.

As things stand now (assuming the Iowa caucuses have anything to do with anything), we are stuck with people with dangerous sounding and/or weird names to choose from.

What is America coming to?

18 comments:

Craig said...

Are you drunk?

Joe said...

Craig: Why do you ask? (Or care?)

Craig said...

I'm guessing you meant this to be humorous? It was a little odd. I care deeply.

Who's your pick, Joe?

Ducky's here said...

You cool with L'il Ricky?

Ducky's here said...

Baseball boring? Now I know why we can't find any basis in agreement.

Joe said...

Craig: Actually, I meant it to be a little odd.

Success!

I have an odd sense of humor.

For the rest of you liberals, who are as incapable of reading as Craig is, the point of the post was the pointlessness of the Iowa Caucuses.

It was also about my poor prognosticatory skills.

I could have just said, "The Iowa caucusses were pointless," but that would have been too short and boring.

For the record (and for whatever it is worth), I have had only two sips of alcoholic beverage in my life and one of them made me throw up.

Caugh medicine tastes better.

Ducky: Yeah. Time it out. In baseball there are never any more than two people doing anything at all at any given moment.

The pitcher winds up. Everybody else just stands around waiting for him to pitch.

He pitches the ball.

Everyone else just stands there, even the batter.

The ball gets to the plate, the pitcher and the rest of the people do nothing.

The batter may or may not swing.

If he swings and hits the ball to center field, one or two people run to try to catch it. Everybody else just moves around a little, doing almost nothing.

If the fielder catches the ball, he throws it toward the second baseman while everybody else does nothing (except the pitcher who might "back up" the second baseman).

I could go on...but what's the use?

In football, once the play starts, 22 men are all doing something, and so are the referees.

Exciting!

Baseball is only a little bit less boring than golf...barely.

Joe said...

From my header: "Where I give you my slightly quirky opinion, and you can give me yours, as long as you're man or woman enough to be civil and control your language."

Fredd said...

Man, oh man, Joe. Yes, odd. But you underestimate how off the mark you are on the following:

If you think soccer ranks better than baseball in the boring category, you might want to reconsider. A three hour soccer game can be a scoreless affair, with a bunch of guys running up and down the field accomplishing nothing, and then someone scores a solitary goal with a minute remaining, and soccer fans yak on and on about that game for years as the most exciting game ever.

But you are not really up to speed on the impact Iowa has on our electoral process. Why is it that a bunch of hayseed hicks from the corn fields, who couldn't make it from one day to the next without massive government corn and ethanol subsidies, gets to decide our nominee?

How come I can't vote for Michele Bachmann? Iowans didn't like her, and now she's gone. I live next door in Illinois, and those damn Iowans have decided to toss Michele out with the trash. She won't be on the Illinois ballot, thanks to those Iowan rubes.

Just who do those hayseed bumpkin Iowa rubes think they are, anyway??!!

King Makers, that's who. Iowa caucuses 'pointless?' If they are pointless, what happened to my favorite candidate, Michele Bachman? And I would guess Rick Perry (my #2) is not far behind Michele in heading for the exits.

Like you, Joe, none of my guys (or gals) ever gets the nod, either. I was a Phil Gramm guy (gone), then a Steve Forbes guy (out of it), and a Fred Thompson guy (don't get me started).

Leticia said...

Would Star Trek names be okay? They have some really cool ones.

I named my calico cat, "Ziyal." See, cool, huh?

Joe said...

Fredd: Well, soccer is high on my list of boring games. Its only redemption is that at least everyone is moving. And the collisions are somewhat more frequent than in baseball.

Hockey, polo and olympic archery are right up there, too.

My man was Herman Cain. MB and RP were also on my go-list. Loved Fred Thompson back when.

Now we will be stuck with a plastic man and a somewhat light-weight (Santorum).

New Hampshire will be a little more relevant, but Florida...ah, that's the one to wait for.

We can expect hanging chads, hanging computers and hanging newspersons.

Not to be confused with lynchings (which are not out of the question).

We Floridians make it our mission to keep elections exciting.

Leticia: President Ziyal? Hmmmm. I don't think so.

But I would vote for Ziyal over President BO (the child president) any day of the week and twice on election day.

Ducky: L'il Ricky's OK. ABO.

Ducky's here said...

Everyone else just stands there, even the batter.

---------
"Gardner takes his lead off first, Gonzales holding him on.

Lester hasn't had his usual control today.'tek sets up low.

Here's the pitch. Curve in the dirt. Varitek blocks it throws down, Pedey's tag is high. Safe"


Nothing happens?


"Long drive, Ellsbury heads back, back. Makes the catch and hits the wall. Throw comes back in to Pedroia. Runner was halfway to third , heads back. Relay to Gonzo. Out!

Joe said...

Ducky: YOU MISSED MY POINT!!!! Only one thing at a time happens...and most of that very, very slowly.

If Gonzales really "held" him on, he'd be penalized 5 yards. You can't hold people in baseball.

Tell me...with that throw to Pedroia, what is everybody else on the team doing?

Answer: most of them are just watching to see whether Pedroia will make the catch.

Boring!

Ducky's here said...

Tell me...with that throw to Pedroia, what is everybody else on the team doing?
--------

Depends on who's on base.

You've got to have first and third backed up.

Only you would call a 100 mph fastball, slow.

Joe said...

Ducky: No, the throw from the catcher to the pitcher, the bending over of the pitcher to stare at the catcher to "get the sign," the slow look over to first base to see whether the runner looks like he might run...or not...and the rubbing of his hand on his uniform the holding of his glove toward the home plate, the slow wind-up...pure excitement!

Then the 100 mph pitch!

The batter watches it go by, doesn't swing and just stands there. The nine players on the field kick some dirt. The catcher looks over his shoulder while the umpire (the only one moving), turns sideways and motions with his hand..."steeeriiike!"

The batter gives him a dirty look and takes a step out of the batter's box.

Pure excitement!

The catcher throws the ball back to the pitcher in a slow arc, and the process starts all over again.

So far, the only thing that has happened it the pitch.

I use a baseball game on TV to help me get a midday nap.

Xavier Onassis said...

It pains me to type this, but I gotta go with Jo Joe on this one.

Baseball sucks. Soccer sucks. Hockey sucks. I will add that NASCAR Supremely Sucks!

Watching golf sucks but playing golf can be pleasant if you play fast and loose with the rules and just enjoy yourself. Ya know, like us liberals do. :-)

Ducky's here said...

The batter watches it go by, doesn't swing and just stands there.

----------

Possibly but if you froze him it was probably with a breaking ball.

Your probably throwing the fast bal up the ladder to get him to chase high heat.

Joe said...

Ducky: A breaking ball just isn't that exciting in-and-of itself.

Craig said...

A breaking ball just isn't that exciting in-and-of itself.

Are you kidding me?