Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Janet Napolitano was sworn in on January 21, 2009 as the third Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security.

That's her picture.

Really. That's the best picture of her I've seen.

I looked for something that would make her look better than that picture does, but I couldn't find it.

Just to be fair, She's not the only one who has a struggle with her picture making her look good.

For the sake of balance, I have included a picture of myself, in a vain attempt to make me look better in my picture than she does in hers.

For clarity, I'm the one standing.

As you can tell from my picture, I am a kind of citified, country, redneck sophisticate.

I love alligators, and have spent many a day outdoors chasing them in my canoe, or walking among them fishing or just admiring their pre-historistity.

The picture also confirms that I am an extreme right-wing radical in my world view and my behavior.

As it turns out, Janet and her menionic office subjugates don't like the likes of me.

In fact, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has issued a warning to the rest of the country that people like me are to be viewed with suspicion and from a secure distance.

According to their own report:

The DHS/Office of Intelligence and Analysis (I&A) has no specific information that domestic rightwing* terrorists are currently planning acts of violence, but rightwing extremists may be gaining new recruits by playing on their fears about several emergent issues. The economic downturn and the election of the first African American president present unique drivers for rightwing radicalization and recruitment.

Let me ask you: Have your fears been played on by me?

What fears did you have that I played on?

Where did you get those fears?

Are you normally a fearful person, or are these fears a special case?

I have a pretty wild heart condition and a right leg that is in constant pain.

You can no doubt run a lot faster than I, even if I decided to try running at all.

Are you still afraid?

Do you think that your fear is rational?

Do you know what irrational fear is called?


Do you know (or care) what I think?

I think the DHS, under the leadership of Janet Napolitano, has become paranoid...afraid, not of foreign invaders or terrorists, but of the likes of little old me.

Imagine that.

OK...OK I know...you're dying to know the story of the gator I'm holding, so here it is.

I was driving from my home in Lehigh Acres to the school where I was Head Master in Immokolee, Florida.

On the way I saw a homeless man walking slowly along the side of the road.

Behind him, gaining fast, was this fierce alligator (see the picture above), obviously intent on catching up to him and eating him alive.

I lept from my car onto the back of the gator and wrestled with him for hours, finally subduing him.

After getting him under control, I taped his mouth shut, gathered him up and showed him off at a meeting toward which I was headed.

Full disclosure demands that I tell you that certain parts of the above story are not exactly true...in fact none of it is.

Nevertheless, it would be one explanation of how I came to be holding such an awesome creature in my fearless arms.

If you get a chance, please tell Homeland Security that they don't have to be afraid of me.


Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me? I spent 29 years in the Marines, and I'm afraid of anyone who picks up alligators and pets them.

Now that I think about it, the DHS study is all your fault.

Joe said...

Mustang: I was hoping you wouldn't catch on.

sue said...

Joe - There are so many aspects of this post I hardly know where to begin.

First: Honestly, I do not think the picture of that woman is bad at all. You must have high standards for women.(I can only imagine what you think of my picture.)

You have not made me afraid of anything including you. However, although I do suffer from paranoia it is not anything to do with politics.

I hope you are taking care of your heart and leg.

As far as the alligator story goes, you had me until the part where you wrestled with it for hours.

What is this post really about?

(There is some sci-fi book info for you on my blog.)

Joe said...

Sue: The post is "really" about Homeland Security's current viewpoint that right wingers (like me) are something other than ordinary Americans and that we have ulterior, subversive intentions and that other Americans should fear us.

sue said...

Joe - That story has been circulating around various blogs. I don't think heavily on things like that. Putting too much emphasis on rumors gives them life that they shouldn't have. I'd rather hear about Joe rassling alligators.

(Are you going to read what I have on my blog for you?)

Joe said...

Sue: The quote in italics is from the text of the DHS report. I did not make it up and I did not get it from another blog. It is not a rumor.

I don't do that stuff. My sources are always primary or they don't get used.

The picture of Janet Napolitano came from the DHS web site.

I went to your blog and hope you find Padgetts stuff at the library. If understood for what it is, Sci-Fi does indeed open a whole new world of literary experience, some of it good, some of it bad.

Most of what passes for science fiction is really pseudo-science philosophy and/or melodrama, but some of it is though provoking.

Lone Ranger said...

I've made Marines cry, but if that were a picture of you holding a snake, I'd be in the fetal position under my bed. I once gave up a beautiful windbreaker I bought at the submarine base in New London, CT because my then girlfriend, who worked at a nature center, put a tiny snake that she'd found in the pocket. "Keep the jacket."

But I digress -- because I forgot what the original post was about. Hang on.....

OK. Paranoia is one of the symptoms of a fascist government, as is playing on people's fears.

This is dangerous. This is Glenn Beck crying on live TV dangerous. It is pretty obvious that his administration doesn't regard foreign terrorists as a threat so much as it regards anyone who defies them as a danger. This is brown-shirt stuff. And I fear for our country.

By the way, I've been trying to get hold of some alligator meat. I've tasted rattlesnake and bat. On a plate, they're just fine.

Joe said...

Lone Ranger: I've had rattlesnake, but never bat.

The next time you are in Fort Myers, Florida, go to a little restaurant called, "The Three Fishermen."

There you can get alligator in generous portions and the best frog legs in six counties.

You DID find the original meaning of the post.

Congratulations! You win!

TAO said...

Well, I have been to "The Three Fishermen" many times...great food!

There is another place, that is just a roadside stand that has the best seafood....

sue said...

Joe - I shouldn't make light of what HS has said about Conservative Extremists. I don't blame you for taking it seriously.
On the other hand, some of the stuff I've read on Conservative blogs about the current government is pretty heavy.

I'm sure you are right about sci-fi writing. It would be easy for authors to 'fake' the style. I am not through the first story yet so I'll report back when I finish it.

snaggletoothie said...

The DHS report bothers me because they are spend their energy on that while not doing their job: dealing with illegal immigrants and foreign threats.
It is expending law enforcement resources where no laws have been broken. The only thing that Napolitano's targets have in common is that she disagrees with them politically. It leads me to believe that she is more partial to the tactics of Lenin and Stalin than is appropriate for someone directing American law enforcement activities.

Lone Ranger said...

Those right-wing terrorists are scary, alright. Because a lot of them got bomb-making experience in the military -- like Timothy McVeigh. That's actually what Janet Napolitano said on Fox and Friends Thursday.

Last I heard, gunners aren't taught how to make explosives. But let's assume Napolitano's paranoid fears are correct. I have some questions.

Where did Bill Ayers, Bernardine Dohrn and the other members of their Weathermen terrorist organization get their bomb-making training (well, except for the three who blew themselves up)?

Where did the leftist Unabomber, who was influenced by Al Gore, get his bomb-making training?

Where did the members of the eco-terrorist organizations Earth Liberation Front and Animal Liberation Front get their bomb-making training?

And, why aren't any of THESE people mentioned in that report?

In fact, why isn't the government itself in that report? I seem to recall another manly woman named Janet who terrorized 79 men, women and children to DEATH in Waco.

Oh, and Napolitano admitted that she didn't actually READ this report, she was BRIEFED on it before she authorized its release. So, our country is run by lawmakers who don't read the bills they pass and unelected bureaucrats who don't read the reports and regulations they shove down our throats.

Now THAT is scary!