Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Divorce Agreement...

Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per gallon and coffee to $6.00 per pound, maybe this would be a solution we could live with.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama,

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".

20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll let you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Al Gore, Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and especially Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S.: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.


selahV said...

Hey Joe, ran across this little ditty and thought you might like it.

"Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches,
He leadeth me beside the still factories
He disturbeth my soul
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I anticipate no recovery

His policies, his diplomacies, they frighten me.
He prepareth a reduction in my income.
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointeth my small income with high taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life
And, I will live in a slum plex forever...."

(copied from a friend's facebook status)
Praying we get a new shepherd soon in the White House. And...that all folks will turn back to the Most High Shepherd, soon.

Joe said...

selahV: Good little ditty. Nice to have you drop by.

Z said...

Fabulous Divorce Agreement...can we make it a CLASS ACTION SUIT? We'd have MILLIONS SIGN UP :-)

Ducky's here said...

Great, screw.

Most of the world feels the American south should be fenced in and ostracized. You overestimate your value and the value of your so called values.

Ducky's here said...

I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
Nah, the Waterboys "World Party".

tha malcontent said...

These Blind Progressive's constantly list all The Messiah’s firsts and all of his achievements and accomplishments they fail to list the fact that America lost its triple A credit status. This is a first for which every American will have to carry for many years as will our children.
“With no fanfare, no press coverage, and with every effort made to hide his actions from the American people, President Obama snuck through the spirit of the DREAM Act via an ICE memo.” ICE = Immigration and Customs Enforcement! This is outright lawlessness on the part of the Obama administration, and once again he steps all over our Constitution.
Well believe it or not, we do have a Constitution, and under it it states that illegal immigration is exactly that, ILLEGAL! What part of that don’t these people understand?

Joe said...

Ducky: "You overestimate your value and the value of your so called values."

Sure am glad you leftists don't do that. (Talk about the pot calling the kettle black [no racial implication intended])!

sue said...

Joe - This is the first time I have ever been completely turned off by one of your posts.

And have actually doubted you.

(Although when you suggested that 'ole Bob may not be saved I came close.)

Joe said...

sue: Sorry. But the post is reflective of how divided we are as a country.

Z said...

Ducky "Most of the world feels the American south should be fenced in and ostracized."
I've lived in more of the world than some and I've never heard a thing.
Could you link, please?
Or, have you been the one to bring it up?...enjoying a little of that 'off shore AMerica' bashing your leftwinger celebs perpetrate that I have heard in Europe?

Z said...

Sue, which is the offensive part? Nobody's actually calling for secession, obviously...
the list is one to make us think...really think.

Leticia said...

I'm in! Let's do it!

Will share this on my Facebook page.

Ducky's here said...

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.


Like you got your face punched in in Afghanistan?

sue said...

Joe - No apology needed.

After all, this is your blog.

I keep forgetting that.


sue said...

Z - I wasn't referring to any one part as being offensive.

I see the entire post as rather cavalier.

Kind of like Nero fiddling while Rome burned.

(I've always thought of Joe as a bit above this sort of thing.)

That's all.

Joe said...

Ducky: Sorry, but Afghanistan was accepted by and became Obama's war, a war he declared we would wing under his leadership (which, of course, is non-existant).

So, if we got our face punched, it was on Obama's watch.

Joe said...

sue: I'm not above anything.

On the other hand (besides there being five more fingers), neither is anything beneath me.

I once worked at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

I worked in the Beyond section.

A customer asked, "Where are the ironing boards?"

I answered, "It's beyond me."

sue said...

Now that's the Joe I know and love.


Ducky's here said...

Joe you are aware that I despise Obama, no?

Who cares whether it's Chucklenuts' or The Black Messiah's war. Same crew, Same results.

Obama is a pariah to the left, I figured you knew it.

We would love a third party run by someone like Bernie Sanders who would siphon enough votes to give it to Bachmann, Perry or whatever moron the right has up.

The goal is to have something decent arise from the ashes. Get it over with and rebuild rather than the slower death throes under Obummer.

That you think he is on the left demonstrates how far out on the fringe you and the rest of the dominionists are.

Joe said...

Ducky: Yes. My fear with ashes thing is what that thing rising up might be.

If it does not include a smaller, Constitutional government, an increase, rather than a decrease, in FREEDOM and more power to the states, I want nothing to do with it.

sue said...

Joe - btw, it's Shirley MacLaine.

Ducky's here said...

Joe, why do I think your "freedom" means everyone gets to live under your warped religion.

Protestant taliban. No thanks

Joe said...

Ducky: NOPE! My freedom means freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM relidion.

In My freedom you are free to be Christian, Muslim, Hindu or any thing else your heart desires. It even means you can be agnostic or athiest.

I also means the FEDERAL government has absolutely no right to make any law that affects your religion, so long as that religion does no obvious harm to its followers or others.

If you are Muslim, so be it. If you are Muslim and you practice cutting off people's heads, from that you are restricted by laws against murder.

There can be no state religion in my freedom, but any individual in government may say whatever he wants about his/her religion without fear of federal legal action.

Public prayer would be neither encouraged nor disallowed by government.

Street corner preaching would be neither encouraged nor disallowed by government.

Public baptism (or other non-harm inducing ritual) would neither be encouraged nor disallowed by government.

In my freedom, preachers could say what they want, including, but not restricted to, railing against the government, supporting particular candidates, opposing certain candidates, and whatever else they want to preach about, so long as they do it peacefully.

In my freedom, you can be Baptist, Methodist, Scientologist, Hare Krishna or a Mooney.

In my freedom, you don't have to like my religion, and can speak against it if you like, but you cannot ask the feds to interfere.

In my freedom, you can ignorantly assign untrue thoughts to me, even when you don't know what you are talking about.

Bose said...

Thanks so much ever for the Agreements, still not married, but have bookmarked for future!@bose