Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Three New Navy Ships


Read the Ship Stats:


USS RONALD REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!



When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft 3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet Size1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline 2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons6.

4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

3. 18,150 meals served daily

4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes

5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation

8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .

USS BARACK OBAMA


White House Press Secretary Jesse Jackson issued the following: " This technological wonder is powered by the newest model Briggs & Stratton three horsepower engine and environmentally friendly hand paddles. Extra large white flags are ready to deploy at a moments notice. Government scientists are also working on top secret 'retro sails' which will allow this ship to make the fastest retreat of any ship in history"

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

7 comments:

CB said...

Hilarious!

Anchors Aweigh!

Joe said...

CB: Thanks! Pretty well sums it up, doesn't it?

snaggletoothie said...

Nice to know that the Department of the Navy has a sense of humor.
Are they fitting out a USS MSNBC, USS CBS, USS ABC, USS CNN, USS NBC, USS LAT, USS NYT and a USS PBS to mercilessly attack our ships from the rear? Their command and control center could be the USS Democratic Congressional Caucus.

bluepitbull said...

LOL. Sad part is that the US Navy will look like a fleet of sampans.

Z said...

Our navy isn't allowed to fend off little somali savages anymore.........

REAGAN, COME BACK!

Anonymous said...

I just have to send this to my cousin Bernie who, at age 18, was on the Aircraft Carrier USS Hancock when it went through "Halsey's Typhoon in Dec., 1944, and then was hit by a Kamakzee in Apr., 1945. He is now 83 and fighting cancer in a nursing facility if FL. He can surly use a good laugh about now.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for the USS Bush. Constructed by Haliburton in a no-bid contract costing more than 5 times its original budget. Equipped with special technology to detect non-existent weapons of mass destruction and a built-in "Mission Accomplished" banner. Carries brave young soldiers off to the middle east to fight a pointless war with no end in sight. All crew member phone calls are monitored by the NSA through illegal wiretaps (they could be talking with terrorists!). Luckily, when the ship begins to fall apart from all of the irresponsible policies, the navy will be able to pass the problem along to the marines, who will be blamed for all of the problems! Sad, really.